Captured by a Buffoon
by A penname like no other
Summary: Alison, a young mechanic finds her self in the company of THE Zapp Braanigan only to find out he's not all he's cracked up to be,but will the entrance of the P.E. crew help her survive?


Alison stared at the man before her with total admiration, not even in the slightest bit interested with the food in front of her. She hardly noticed the clatter of 100's of knives and forks or the antics of rowdy men as she listen to her hero recount the tale of how he led his men to defeat therampaging Kill bots that threatened Octillian system.

'You see Kill bots have a preset kill limit. Knowing their weakness, I sent wave after wave of my own men at them, until they reached their limit and shutdown. Kiff, show her the medal I won' he commanded the man who stood behind him, wearing a frilly apron, he sighed and pointed to the medal on his chest 'For in Brannigan's Law it states that you must protect the unprotected, even if it means sending wave after wave of men to their deaths' Zapp concluded.

A small voice at the back of Alison's mind quietly pointed out there were probably more tactically sound methods of destroying the kill bots other than "wave after wave of men", but it was drowned out by a louder voice saying _he is soooo handsome up close_.

Alison's father Count Remon was an ambassador for Earth and he was being escorted by D.O.O.P to the planet Frapulous of the Fraps to discuss some sort of trade agreement. The moment Alison heard D.O.O.P she begged her father to allow her to come; she would do _anything _to spend time with THE Zapp Brannigan.

Upon finishing his story Zapp turned to her, his eyes seemed to roam over her body, _evaluating me that's all _she though _yeah he's probably evaluating what bra size you are_ the little _annoying _voice countered. 'So what's a girl like you doing on a ship like this' Zapp said causally, her small inner voice snorted at the tackiness of the line.

'I would love to learn about the inner workings of such a fine ship' she said waving her hand absently at the mess hall before them 'and of course I would never pass up the opportunity to spend time with one as famous as you.'

'Well it is my duty to show young beautiful women such as yourself around the inner workings of me…I mean D.O.O.P' he replied. _An honest mistake _she thought _not likely_ replied the little voice.

'That sounds like a wonderful idea' her father said before she could reply 'If it's not too much trouble for you Mr. Brannigan'

'Not at all, in fact we can begin immediately after dinner'

'Wonderful I'm actually done here so perhaps I could freshen up before hand' Alison said.

'Why certainly, Kiff show her to her room.'

Half an Hour later Alison was being lead by Kiff to meet with Zapp "The dirt bag is ready to see you" he said in a monotonous voice as he opened the door. Before Alison could ponder his comment she found herself on the Bridge, and what a sight it was! Along the walls there were screens of varying size and underneath them sat huge 'keyboards' with buttons of every shape and colour, everywhere there was a buzz of activity and in the very center sat Zapp, completely in control.

Suddenly feeling very self conscious Alison stood waiting to be noticed, after a few moments she coughed politely.

"Ah Ashlea there you are" Zapp said happily

"It's um Alison"

"Well ah whilst on this ship you'll know as Ashlea, it's a far more fitting name than Alison"

"Okay……."

"Come closer" he said beaconing her, she quietly obliged, as he spoke Alison…or Ashlea continued to gaze around in awe, "impressive isn't it?"

"Yeah" Alison murmured "Makes me want to join the army" Alison had no real desire to fight, she was a mechanic and was far more interested in the machinery than the wars. To her surprise Zapp laughed.

"A woman joining the army…how absurd, no that's been outlawed for a long time now, women tend to distract the men and make very poor fighters"

"Well Mr. Brannigan I actually wish to be a mechanic"

"A mechanic! Women can't stand getting their dainty hands dirty. Besides you shouldn't worry your sexy little head over things like that, stick to what women are good at, helping and entertaining men"

The horrible truth finally dawned on her, her little voice was trying to tell her all along, this man wasn't a genius he was a buffoon, women making terrible fighters as if! Women can do anything men can do! _I told you so_ her inner voice said smugly, Alison was pretty sure that if the voice was a person, it'd be doing a little jig right now.

_Fine I was blinded by his fame and great __deeds;__ now that I look closely he isn't even handsome! You were right _she said to herself.

Then she sighed _if I must be stuck with this ignoramus, then I might as well learn something. _She breathed deeply, controlled her anger and tried to act as if nothing had happened.

"Perhaps you are right, well that aside perhaps I can begin learning about D.O.O.P, like for starters what does that do?" she said pointing to a screen in front of them with genuine curiosity.

"That ah…. that well that is the um…is the..that does the….umm Kiff what does that thingo over there do?"

"That Sir is used during communications with other ships and planets, shows us incoming ships and unidentified objects and the light above it tells us we've picked up a distress signal"

"Like that?" Alison asked as the light shone red and a ship appeared on the screen

"Is that who I think it is" Zapp said in surprise

"It is the Planet Express ship sir, run by Captain Turanga Leela, they appear to be in distress" Kiff said in answer

"Even better than I thought" Zapp replied "I knew she'd come back sooner or later, no one can resist the Zapper for that long!"

For some reason the name Leela seemed to ring a bell in Alison's head, but she didn't know why.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"So Fry how does a Frap dance on the Planet Frapulous compare to a Lap dance on Earth?" Captain Turanga Leela asked her crew member Philip J. Fry as she steered the Planet Express Ship.

"Eh too many tentacles for my liking" he replied, "Wait a minute, what makes you think I've ever had a lap dance or a Frap dance?" he added indignantly.

Leela was about to tell him exactly why when the ship shuddered and groaned, throwing them both forward. The room suddenly became pitch black, but after a few moments emergency lights flickered on, filling the room with a soft glowing light.

'What happened?' Fry practically screamed, fear evident in his now squeaky voice. Seconds later a robot burst in the room

'What happened? The power turned off, it's going to ruin my brownies'

'Calm down Bender' Leela said in her calmest voice possible "I'll go check the power board, the ships still moving, but it's on low power, something must have happened to the power converter as we still have plenty of fuel. Fry you can steer if you have to"

A few minutes later Leela returned carrying two torches, she tossed one to Fry 'Don't use it unless you have, we running on minimum power, if we don't get the power converter fixed soon we're going to be in a lot of trouble. It's a few light years to the nearest planet, if we conserve our power we might make it, but I'm going to put out the distress call just in case. Do not turn anything on without my permission, is that clear?' she asked.

'Are we going to be alright?' Fry asked.

'I don't know Fry, if we come across another ship maybe' she said with worry

'You mean like that one' Bender said pointing to the looming mass of The D.O.O.P Nimbus.

'Oh no anyone but him!' Leela cried.


End file.
